of course this happened:

Alacrity, texting: "Have you guys ever accidentally texted 'neutropenis'?"

Oncology technician: "Um...no?"

*surgeon sitting nearby begins laughing*

Surgeon: "I'm going to call you 'Neutropenis' now."

Alacrity: "Awesome."

last weekend of overnights:

Technician: "So...there's a heart failure dog back in wards that's supposedly on a dyspnea watch?"

(wards patients are not supervised by a human overnight. they get checked on twice.)

Alacrity:  "...is someone fucking with me?"

*flips table*

in the icu:

Student: "Why is this dog's fentanyl patch so weirdly located?"

Alacrity: "Dr. [Surgeon] specifically wanted the fentanyl patch placed in this dog's inguinal region."

Student: "Is it okay that it's touching his schvantzer?"

Alacrity: "I don't know, but Dr. [Surgeon] wants it there and she's an awful lot more board-certified than I am."

fun with the pharmacy, once again:

Alacrity: "Hey, you guys?"

Oncology tech #1: "Yup?"

Alacrity: "On a scale of one to ten..."

Oncology tech #2: "...go on..."

Alacrity: "How annoying do you think it would be to convince the pharmacy to-"

Oncology tech #1: "Sixteen."

Alacrity: "Ah."

we're making this up as we go:

Alacrity: "So, [Patient] is currently failing her seventh rescue protocol."

Oncologist: "What are you going to treat her with tomorrow?"

Oncology resident: "I was thinking vinblastine and metronomic cytosine arabinoside."

Oncologist: "That's...a silly plan."

Alacrity: "Do you have a better plan?"

Oncologist: "Nope! Let's do it."

that's specific:

Pathologist: "I don't know about you, but as a specialist I really hate it when how I do my job gets micromanaged down to the gnat's asshole."

honesty ftw:

It's 6:30 am. I'm sitting next to a patient who is having trouble breathing. She's on oxygen, 7 CRIs (two of which are pressors), and her surgical site is coming apart.

The criticalist walks over and quietly assesses the situation:

Criticalist: "So...how's it going?"

Alacrity: "Ha! So, so badly!"

redundancy is pretty great:

Technician: "You have to write a prescription for the packed red blood cell unit."

Student: *writes prescription*

Technician: "It has to say, 'for transfusion in ICU'."

Student: "'For transfusion in ICU'?!? Of course it's for a transfusion in the ICU! What else would it be for, a satanic ritual?"

we've got problems:

Alacrity, during ICU rounds: "Okay, so this guy is getting a packed red blood cell transfusion. What was his pre-transfusion PCV?"

Student: "I think it was 12%."

Alacrity: "If I recall correctly, he's also pretty azotemic. How are his kidney values today?"

Student: "His creatinine was 12.6."

Alacrity: "Well, that sucks. Your PCV and your creatinine should not be the same number."

overheard at 7:30 am on a Sunday:

Surgery resident: "I'm a grown-ass man! I will get a damn betta fish if I want one!"

true, that:

Oncologist, exasperated: "Oh [Technician], what am I going to do with you?"

Technician: "Well - I'm union-represented, so whatever it is, you'll have to document it for at least a year."

that sounds bad:

Oncology technician: "Ahhhh, there's nothing like a nice virginal vein."

thanks jokideo.com

good to know:

Neighbor, outside my window at 8pm:

"We're not old, we're just arrogant."

that estimate seems optimistic:

Oncology technician: "Okay, so the CT is down, but radiology says that the maintenance guy is here and it should be working again in an hour or so."

thanks imgarcade.com

water! drinking it!

Hello everyone!

I hope this fine Friday is treating you well, and that those of you on Hoth (so, Boston) are currently staying warm.

thanks theverybesttop10.com
I've recently experienced an unprecedented burst of motivation, and I'm going to tell you about it! It has to do with water:
thanks www.free-picture.net
As you may recall, I get kidney stones from time to time for reasons largely unknown to me. In an effort to make that not happen, I am supposed to drink 80 ounces of water per day. I used to be really good at this. 

Since graduating from vet school, I've been, um, terrible at it. I think this is probably because I spent most of my rotating internship scurrying around a large hospital as quickly as possible for ~16-18 hours at a time. 
My newly acquired water-drinking laziness has persisted during my oncology internship, despite a comparatively easier schedule and an ample amount of time spent sitting in rounds. Since I can feel my kidneys silently judging me, it is most definitely time to step-up my hydration game.

thanks quickmeme.com

It's been three days. I'll let you know how this goes!

during a lecture:

Pathologist: "You should tattoo this table on your cleavage, so you can always reference it."

Resident: "Uh..."

Oncologist: "It might not be ideal to expose yourself during your board exam. Although it might get you extra credit."

Ten emails you will receive if you work at a vet school:

1."We are honored to announce that Dr. Prestigious McTenured will be presenting his latest research at a brown bag lunch on [date]. Please plan to attend."

2. "This is a message from [department]. Please STOP STEALING our [thing]! We started the year with [large number of thing], and already we're down to [much, much smaller number of thing]. [Thing] cost [$$$$$$$$$] each, and we simply cannot afford to keep replacing them. Thank you."

3. "Has anyone seen my stethoscope? I misplaced it somewhere in either the large or small animal hospital some time in the last six weeks. It's a black Littmann Cardiology III, no nametag or identifying features."

4. "This is a message from the Clinical Pathology Department. The chemistry analyzer is experiencing some unscheduled maintenance, and will be functioning again in an unspecified amount of time. Samples submitted today will be processed at an unknown time in the future."

5. "I'm graduating in the spring, and moving to [far away]. Here is a list of things I have for sale that I would like you to buy, please."

6. "This is a message from the IT Department. [Electronic medical record system] is currently down, and all unsaved changes may be lost. Please remember to save early, save often."

7. "This is a message from the Pharmacy. As some of you may have noticed, the 10 mg size of [medication] tablets has recently increased in price from $0.14 per tablet to $64.60 per tablet. We apologize for any inconvenience."

8. "Maintenance and custodial are planning to clean and repair [place] on [date]. Please see that all personal effects are removed from [place] as soon as possible. Any remaining personal effects in [place] on [date] will be removed and donated."

9. "Heeeeeey Guys! This is your SCAVMA president! Please remember to sign up for [fundraising event] as soon as you can - the more the merrier! As a *bonus*, you will get two SCAVMA points for participating!"

10. "This is a notification that [regulatory group] has scheduled their annual inspection for [date]. Please remember to welcome the team, and ensure that all hospital policies are enforced to the fullest extent on [date]."

pathologists are weird:

Resident, scanning a slide: "Now, where are my juicy bits?"

non sequitur:

Alacrity: "I'm going to run to the pharmacy - would you mind submitting this lab work?"

Student: "I think you were a woodland fairy in a past life."


Radiology technician: "Dr. Alacrity, do you want both pre- and post-contrast on this dog's thorax?"

Alacrity: "Yes, please."

Radiologist: "You don't need post-contrast on the thorax if it's a met check."

Alacrity: "Dr. [oncologist] prefers it - he thinks it improves sensitivity."

Radiologist: "Based on what publication?"

Alacrity: "None that I know of."

Radiologist: "I see."


Overnight tech: "You know, one of the key features of a good technician are massive breasts. They are so useful - it's like having a third arm."

on antiemetics:

Oncology technician: "Everyone needs a little Cerenia in the coin pouch."