criticalist (calmly) to the radiologist:

"I will punch you in the ball sack."

a veterinarian friend of mine, about the location of his job:

"It's pretty much in an ideal spot. It's 200 feet from the beach. It's 100 feet from the gay bar."

i can't unthink that:

Radiologist: "Hey, you know what a quince is?"

Alacrity: "No."

Radiologist: "They're a fruit. They look like Big Bird's testicles. If birds had testicles. On the outside."

mental blocks:

Okay, so you know how there are some things that you should be able to remember, but for whatever reason you always forget/are bad at them? Yup, you know. Here are (some of) mine:

1) Neurolocalization/most of neurology, actually.

Sometimes I try to chalk this up to never having a neuro rotation in vet school, but that's not it. I mean, I can generally sort out "brain problem" from "neck dog" from "back dog" from "lower lumbar dog", but most of the time the rounds-pimping by the neurologist goes like this:

Neurologist: "Okay, so what else could cause [these signs]?"


(neurologist kicks me under the table)

Alacrity: "Neoplasia."

Neurologist: "Yes. What else?"


Alacrity: "Inflammatory disease."

Neurologist: "EEEHHHH wrong. What else?"

Haaaa fun times! Also, if we're in vestibular-land, I have a bugger of a time sorting out central vestibular (unless the dog has other central signs) from peripheral vestibular (unless the dog has gross ears) +/- paradoxical vestibular (what even is this really).

2) Acid/base.

THIS SUCKS. You know, I've read my vet school acid-base notes an embarrassingly large number of times (and worked through this handy acid/base practice simulator developed by the University of Awesome's engineer-turned-criticalist) and I still internally panic every time I go to read a blood gas.

3) Reading thoracic x-rays.

I'm starting to get better at this one. Dr. Nell (radiologist) has taught the intern herd some quick tricks to help get through the overnights, and I'm hopeful that (with practice and epic mistakes along the way) I'm improving.

I secretly want to be better at this, not only because it's an important workplace skill but also because queers are supposed to be good pattern-recognizers. Think about it! If your dating life depends on good pattern-recognition skills (read: gaydar), you'll get good at it. And radiology is exactly that.

the more you know...

In rounds this morning:

My boss: "Wait everybody! This is important. How would you survive on a desert island with nothing but a Bic pen?"

Overnight doctor: "Hey, can we move along?"

My boss: "No. How would you survive?"


My boss: "You would use the shaft of the pen to funnel salt water into your butthole! Your colon would absorb the water, but not the sodium or the chloride. You could drink without getting salt poisoning. Cool, huh?"

wtf why:

So, this happened in the ICU the other day:

ER doctor: "Alacrity! Come here!"

Alacrity (comes over): "What?"

ER doc: (drops a pubic hair in my palm) "Here."

Alacrity: "Is this a pubic hair?"

ER doc: "I think so. It's not mine. Is it yours?"

calling for help is fun, redux:

I just finished another set of overnights, and on one of these overnights, I had a 75 kg dog come in with a gastric dilatation and volvulus (GDV). He was huge, he was adorable, and he needed to go to surgery immediately. So I consulted the on-call schedule, and called the resident on call:

Resident: "Hello?"

Alacrity: "Hey dude, I have a GDV."

Resident: "Okay...I'm in Texas."

(Note: our hospital is nowhere near Texas. It's approximately half the country away from Texas.)

Alacrity: "How are you on call if you're in Texas?"

Resident: "...I don't know."

Alacrity: "Okay, I'll call the other resident."

Now the other resident was not on call (duh), and was at a bar singing karaoke (like you do when you're not on call). So I called the surgeon who was working the OR today, and the guy who is technically on back-up call for the resident:

Surgeon: "Hello?"

Alacrity: "Hey, sorry to wake you up. I have a GDV, and James is in Texas. Would you mind coming in?"

Surgeon: (pause) "Well, who's the primary on-call?"

Alacrity: "James."

Surgeon: "How did this happen? How can James possibly be on call when he's in Texas?"

Alacrity: "I don't know."

Surgeon: "Well, this is just ridiculous! Why wasn't this taken care of ahead of time?"

Alacrity: "Look, man, I don't know. I just have this GDV that needs to go to surgery. Are you in, or do you want me to call someone else?"

Surgeon: (sigh) "Fine. I'll come in."

what should we call Alacrity on surgery rotation?

Watching a TECABO:

"Hey Alacrity, can you set up the minidriver?":

Watching the surgeon cut through the tibia:


banana, redux:

I'm at an upstairs cafe-like space in a multi-level, quirky, pedestrian mall.  A tomboi-ish person several tables over from me just methodically ate three bananas in a row, and then came over to give me the wireless password to "the best network in the building".