overheard in the surgical wing:

Resident: "So I've been wondering..."

Surgeon: "Hmmm?"

Resident: "You know how you can have a 'hummer' with a blow job? What would the equivalent modifier be for the same action with a rim job?"

Surgeon: "Huh. I don't know."

Resident: "Right?"

Surgeon: "What about a 'rummer'?"

my pager looks awesome now:

ER doctor: "You did well today, Alacrity. Here, take some stickers for your pager. I have flying squirrels and pandas in inappropriate sexual positions."

rounds are fun:

This is a snippet of a conversation from rounds about a dog who got hit by a car and now has no tail or anal tone:

ER doctor: "So, then I sedated him and put some staples in his ass. Wait, the wound on his ass, not his actual assHOLE."

Neurologist: "Yeah, that would have been a bold treatment for absent anal tone."

this is why i am mildly afraid of birds:

Exotics technician: "Why did you let a parrot walk all over your back?!? That was not a good idea!"

Alacrity: "Yes, correct. I couldn't catch him."

Exotics technician: "Well, who was helping you?"

Alacrity: "[The person helping me] couldn't catch him either."

Exotics technician: "So, what happened?"

Alacrity: "He totally dominated us for a while until we got him back in his carrier. He let me sort of examine him at one point. And he bit my finger."

Exotics technician: "He could have bitten your face! He could have broken your glasses! This is why we need a technician with exotics experience on overnights. Why was the bird here at midnight, anyway?"

Alacrity: "Well, his owner brought him in because he refused his evening cranberry."

Exotics technician: "I can't even."

ER technician, on one of my overnights:

"I know you want to be an oncologist, but you've got ER in your blood. You can't do anything about that."