oh, ketamine:

ER doctor, in rounds: "This cat got about twice the maximum recommended dose of ketamine, so last night he was totally insane. He's still aggressive this morning, but maybe a little better. I actually have no way of accurately assessing his mental status."

Internist: (sigh) "He's in the K-hole? Okay."

in rounds this morning:

Internmate, to our boss: "I gotta say, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

Boss: "FUCK me! [gets up, stomps into office] Fuckity, fuck fuck fuck fuck..."

don't miss:

So I'm walking down the hospital hallway when this happens:

ER Doc #1: "You're not seriously going to do that."

Alacrity: "Do what?"

ER Doc #2: "I'm going to do an intracardiac stick [on a guinea pig] in front of the owner."

Alacrity: "Your testicles are large."

anemia differentials:

Alacrity, rounding the overnight doctor: "So, this dog is anemic and thrombocytopenic for a reason I don't yet understand..."

Overnight doc, straight face: "Could it have been caused by excessive twerking?"

Alacrity: "...that's awesome."

that should obvs. go in the ultrasound report:

Radiologist, ultrasounding: "Holy shit."

Alacrity: "What?"

Radiologist: "This dog has raging, needs-more-cowbell pancreatitis."

chief complaint: wtf?

We have this huge white board that charts all the cases that come through the ER. It shows the patient's name, chief complaint, and time of arrival (or ETA).

Mostly, chief complaints are logical problems such as "hit by car", "trouble breathing", or "collapse".

However...occasionally the chief complaints are more entertaining. My two recent favorites are "acting friendly" and "bit FedEx man, then hit in head with FedEx transponder".


internist: "Biopsying this mass was like biopsying this table."

that's a fantastic image:

ECC resident: "So [this cat] projectile vomited overnight."

Day ER doctor: "Okay."

ECC resident: "This was not a normal projectile vomit. It was a non-stop horrendous torrent of foul, brown liquid that gushed forth from the cat's mouth like a fire hose."

Day ER doctor: "Huh."

ECC resident: "I kept expecting it to stop, but it just continued. It shot right through the front of the cage. I was amazed at how much liquid came out of that cat."

internists are weird:

internist, on phone, after giving a history: "So, do you have any advice on this case?"

liver specialist: "That dog is sick."

internist: "Yes."

liver specialist: "That dog is going to die."

internist: "Probably."

liver specialist: "When that dog dies, I want you to send me a piece of its liver."