we've got problems:

Alacrity, during ICU rounds: "Okay, so this guy is getting a packed red blood cell transfusion. What was his pre-transfusion PCV?"

Student: "I think it was 12%."

Alacrity: "If I recall correctly, he's also pretty azotemic. How are his kidney values today?"

Student: "His creatinine was 12.6."

Alacrity: "Well, that sucks. Your PCV and your creatinine should not be the same number."

aging is fun:

The internal medicine resident just turned 30. The other day, he hurt his back for no apparent reason, which led to this helpful conversation:

Neurologist: "I think it's because you're getting older. Aging sucks."

Resident: "Yeah, I don't think it's that."

Neurologist: "Maybe you suddenly have arthritis?"

Resident: "No!"

Internist: "You know, aging is really great. It's like this - your body works just fine until you're about 30 to 33-34, at which point the metabolism switch flips from 'I can do no physical activity for six months and then run five miles without exerting myself' to 'Hey, I ate two pancakes yesterday and now I weigh four hundred pounds'."

Resident: "Thanks, you guys. This is really encouraging."

during medicine rounds:

We're discussing a patient in kidney failure with a heart murmur:

Internist: "Yeah, you have to turn up her fluids."

Resident: "But I'll push her into heart failure!"

Internist: "So?"

Resident: "'So?' You don't care?"

Internist: "I'm a cardiologist, and I don't care. That's why the good Lord invented furosemide."

in which i am sassy:

Internist, to my student: [Student], have you considered that wearing those dangly earrings to work might be hazardous to your health?"

Alacrity: "Although that is true, Dr. [Internist], have you considered that commenting on a woman's wardrobe at work might be hazardous to your health?"

mmm, delicious:

Alacrity: "So Internal Medicine is in charge of the emergency service these days, about which I'm sure they are super excited."

Oncologist: "Ha! Yeah...can we just make IM deal with all of our shit sandwiches henceforth?"

seems logical:

internist: "Why has this cat not been neutered if he's been anesthetized six times in the past four days?"

ER doctor: "See, he keeps urinating around his ucath and I don't want him peeing into his own scrotum."

internist: "Ah."

oh, ketamine:

ER doctor, in rounds: "This cat got about twice the maximum recommended dose of ketamine, so last night he was totally insane. He's still aggressive this morning, but maybe a little better. I actually have no way of accurately assessing his mental status."

Internist: (sigh) "He's in the K-hole? Okay."

anemia differentials:

Alacrity, rounding the overnight doctor: "So, this dog is anemic and thrombocytopenic for a reason I don't yet understand..."

Overnight doc, straight face: "Could it have been caused by excessive twerking?"

Alacrity: "...that's awesome."

that should obvs. go in the ultrasound report:

Radiologist, ultrasounding: "Holy shit."

Alacrity: "What?"

Radiologist: "This dog has raging, needs-more-cowbell pancreatitis."

what?

internist: "Biopsying this mass was like biopsying this table."

internists are weird:

internist, on phone, after giving a history: "So, do you have any advice on this case?"

liver specialist: "That dog is sick."

internist: "Yes."

liver specialist: "That dog is going to die."

internist: "Probably."

liver specialist: "When that dog dies, I want you to send me a piece of its liver."

ECC resident, on insulin:

"Pancreases are fairly rapid creatures."

and no Tyvek suits were worn:

Chief of Service: "Okay, let's go up to isolation."

(we are in the middle of doing our morning walk-around rounds, where we go check on all the patients as a group and see how they are doing)

Resident: "Oh, we don't have any patients in isolation this morning."

Chief: "We seriously don't have any patients in isolation?"

Resident: "Nope. Let's go to C barn."

Chief: "Wait, can we just take a moment to relish how we don't have any patients in isolation? How did this happen?"

to do list:

Oh hi everyone!

I've been on the Large Animal Medicine service for a couple of weeks now. We've had colicky horses, septic foals, some horses with cancer, and the occasional neonatal calf. It's been a party!

Our resident decided to start making a daily to-do list on the white board with all of our patients and their plan for the day. The plan can include tasks we need to do to the patient, or milestones we hope they accomplish. The list says things like,

"Buttercup - draw blood, take thoracic radiographs, collect fecal"

or:

"Daisy - start eating again"

Here's the Thursday plan from a very pregnant goat that has evidently decided not to give birth, ever:

 Another day spent waiting fruitlessly for tiny goatlings. Sigh. Perhaps tomorrow.

stereotypes proving themselves are hilarious:

I'm walking towards the courtyard with my patient when I pass my buddy Dan in the hallway. We have the following exchange:

Dan: "Oh hey, Alacrity! What rotation are you on right now?"

Alacrity: "Dude, I'm carrying a Yorkie and a ladle."

Dan: "Ah, you're on medicine!  Ha ha ha, that sucks. Good luck!"

oh, this just happened:

The medicine resident is holding a fractious little dog, who is wiggling as I take her temperature. It takes me several tries to hit the mark with the thermometer.

resident: "Is it in?"

me: "Yes."

(pause)

resident (conversationally): "You know, that's the most embarrassing question a woman can ask a man."

*hysterical laughter*

non sequitur:

I walk into the service work area and immediately (seemingly randomly) this happens:

internist: "I don't like mammograms!"

me: "...does anyone?"

with a condom!

The other day, we scoped a dog with:

1) a golf ball
2) a large piece of ruminant hoof

in his stomach.  Let me tell you, a slippery golf ball is really hard to grab.
After we tried the little endoscopy net and grabbers, we then moved on to using a condom (Magnum, since apparently they're the largest.  Who knew?  Not me.), a plastic lunch baggie, and then...

(drumroll please)

...a sterile ultrasound probe cover (read: GIANT condom)!  And it worked!

The medicine resident delicately scooped the golf ball into the giant condom and pulled it up the esophagus and out the dog's mouth.  It was awesome.