last weekend of overnights:

Technician: "So...there's a heart failure dog back in wards that's supposedly on a dyspnea watch?"

(wards patients are not supervised by a human overnight. they get checked on twice.)

Alacrity:  "...is someone fucking with me?"

*flips table*

in the icu:

Student: "Why is this dog's fentanyl patch so weirdly located?"

Alacrity: "Dr. [Surgeon] specifically wanted the fentanyl patch placed in this dog's inguinal region."

Student: "Is it okay that it's touching his schvantzer?"

Alacrity: "I don't know, but Dr. [Surgeon] wants it there and she's an awful lot more board-certified than I am."

fun with the pharmacy, once again:

Alacrity: "Hey, you guys?"

Oncology tech #1: "Yup?"

Alacrity: "On a scale of one to ten..."

Oncology tech #2: "...go on..."

Alacrity: "How annoying do you think it would be to convince the pharmacy to-"

Oncology tech #1: "Sixteen."

Alacrity: "Ah."

we're making this up as we go:

Alacrity: "So, [Patient] is currently failing her seventh rescue protocol."

Oncologist: "What are you going to treat her with tomorrow?"

Oncology resident: "I was thinking vinblastine and metronomic cytosine arabinoside."

Oncologist: "That's...a silly plan."

Alacrity: "Do you have a better plan?"

Oncologist: "Nope! Let's do it."

that's specific:

Pathologist: "I don't know about you, but as a specialist I really hate it when how I do my job gets micromanaged down to the gnat's asshole."

honesty ftw:

It's 6:30 am. I'm sitting next to a patient who is having trouble breathing. She's on oxygen, 7 CRIs (two of which are pressors), and her surgical site is coming apart.

The criticalist walks over and quietly assesses the situation:

Criticalist: "So...how's it going?"

Alacrity: "Ha! So, so badly!"

redundancy is pretty great:

Technician: "You have to write a prescription for the packed red blood cell unit."

Student: *writes prescription*

Technician: "It has to say, 'for transfusion in ICU'."

Student: "'For transfusion in ICU'?!? Of course it's for a transfusion in the ICU! What else would it be for, a satanic ritual?"