on securing a temporary tracheostomy tube:

Criticalist: "You're gonna want to wrap it like this and then reinforce the vetwrap with a piece of tape. Be sure you make an anti-buddy-fucker tab on the end of the tape."

so, reading the treatment sheet is good:

(Technician pokes her head into rounds)

Technician: "Hey Alacrity, can I have the fentanyl and lidocaine so I can start setting up your patient's CRIs while you finish rounds?"

Alacrity: "Oh thank you! That would be awesome. I would like the CRIs diluted in saline please, but I wrote recipes on the treatment sheet. If it's confusing, just leave it for me and I'll set them up in a few minutes."

Tech: "Okay, will do."

A few minutes later, in ICU:

Tech: "Why are you giving this dog so much fentanyl?"

Alacrity: "I'm not-wait, is that straight fentanyl in the syringe?"

Tech: "Yes, that's how we do fentanyl CRIs."

Alacrity: "It's supposed to be diluted in saline! Did you read the recipe that I told you about on the treatment sheet?"

Tech: "No."

Alacrity:
thanks memegenerator.net

veterinary households are weird:

 Here are some things that are true about my place of residence:

1. All the scissors in the apartment are bandage scissors.
2. There is a stethoscope hanging next to the door.
3. Some of my shoes have bloodstains on them.
4. There is a veritable herd of hemostats.
5. The number for the direct line to the ICU is hanging on the fridge.
6. Some of my pants have bleached cuffs.
7. Occasionally, blood tubes will turn up in random locations (such as the bottom of my tool bag).
8. There is an approximately three inch stack of oncology papers on my desk.
9. A fluid rate calculating wheel is peeking out from between books on the bookshelf.
10. You would not believe the number of highlighters.

what the actual fuck:

Oncologist: "I've been wanting an os penis tie clip for some time now. Perhaps this is my chance!"

on changing:

Surgeon: "Yeah, I just change right in my office. I don't cover the window. I figure if someone happens to look in and sees my frighteningly pale ass, they won't look again."

on penises:

Okay, so the other oncology hooligans and I were examining a patient being treated for transmissible venereal tumor (TVT). Whenever we see this dog, we pet him, give him treats, and then sit on him and look at his penis.

thanks teenmomtalk.com
Dog penises (as you may know) generally live retracted inside a prepuce. If you want to get a look at the entirety of your patient's genitalia, you need to extrude the penis.

As you might imagine, dogs generally don't like this. Although this dog is very patient with our rude attentions, it's sometimes challenging to get the horse all the way out of the barn.

Our oncologist added some helpful commentary:

Oncologist: "You guys really need to work on your penismanship."

Our response:

thanks warosu.org

no way this could go wrong:

My job is weirdly structured. There's two oncologists, one resident, two technicians, and me in the oncology department. Usually the oncologists are upstairs doing research (but swing by to advise on the cases), and the resident and the more senior technician run the service.

The junior technician and I would love to be involved and consistently try to help, but the resident and senior technician prefer to do everything themselves.

This is wildly frustrating.

thanks abbyismelting.com
This week, both the resident and the senior technician were away on vacation. You can imagine how this went:

thanks funsniper.com
The junior technician and I had a really interesting week. It's kind of hard to learn how to do your job if you only get occasional sidenotes on how to do it, which is what happens when the senior people are around...since it takes too much time (? or something?) for them to teach us what they're doing.

So, we both spent the week learning on the fly how to do things like reconstitute and administer chemotherapy. Gaaaaaaaah. You guys, when the big kids get back, I am sitting them down and explaining why this was a terrible idea.

Anyway!

This one afternoon, the technician was diluting out gemcitabine for one dog while I was mixing up another patient's zoledronate. This conversation happened:

Technician: "FUCK! I think I mixed this wrong."

Alacrity: "Wrong how?"

Technician: "I was only supposed to add 300 mg to the bag, but I added all 400."

Alacrity: "Oh. It's cool. We can just figure out the new concentration of the solution, and then recalculate the patient's dose."

(pause)

Alacrity: "Why am I only supposed to get 2 ml of zoledronate back through the filter, but I'm getting 3 each time? Something is wrong."

Technician: "Yeah, this is all fucked up."

Alacrity: "This is like Beavis and Butthead in chemistry lab."

(hysterical, panicked laughter)

thanks uproxx.tumblr.com