no no no no no:

Oncologist: "Hi, Alacrity."

Alacrity: "Hey - oh wow, you sound like you have a cold. Are you okay?"

Oncologist: "Yes, this is my phone sex voice."

aging is fun:

The internal medicine resident just turned 30. The other day, he hurt his back for no apparent reason, which led to this helpful conversation:

Neurologist: "I think it's because you're getting older. Aging sucks."

Resident: "Yeah, I don't think it's that."

Neurologist: "Maybe you suddenly have arthritis?"

Resident: "No!"

Internist: "You know, aging is really great. It's like this - your body works just fine until you're about 30 to 33-34, at which point the metabolism switch flips from 'I can do no physical activity for six months and then run five miles without exerting myself' to 'Hey, I ate two pancakes yesterday and now I weigh four hundred pounds'."

Resident: "Thanks, you guys. This is really encouraging."

fun with the pharmacy:

Alacrity: "I'm here to pick up the melanoma vaccine for Sadie."

Pharmacist: "Do you know that Sadie is a horse?"

Alacrity: "Yes...I wrote the prescription."

Pharmacist: "Well, the melanoma vaccine is only labeled for dogs."

Alacrity: "Yes, it is."

Pharmacist: "So you're using the vaccine off-label."

Alacrity: "Yes, I am."

Pharmacist: "Well, a horse is much bigger than a dog."

Alacrity: "Yes."

Pharmacist: "I just have to tell you that you're using this product off-label."

Alacrity: "Yes, thank you. Message received."

pudgy cats are the best cats:

Surgeon: "I'm bringing my cat in on Tuesday."

Alacrity: "YES EXCELLENT! I can't wait to squeeze his fat face!"

Surgeon: "Make sure you squeeze his jungle pouch!"

oh no:

Oncologist: "Wait - shit - I've forgotten my bladder!"


Oncologist: "Now, here's the hooker."

while putting in lab requests:

Oncologist: "I got this new turtleneck that is really slick. It makes me look like a venture capitalist."

Alacrity: "..."

Oncologist: "It's just that the neck is too tight. I put a melon in it to stretch it out. Do you think that will stretch it too much?"