cheerful oncologist:

"There's no crying in oncology!"

because this hypothetical scenario is totally possible:

Oncology student rounds:

Clinician: "Okay, what are the five front-line drugs for treating lymphoma?"

Students: "Cyclophosphamide, Doxorubicin, Vincristine, Prednisone, and L-asparaginase."

Clinician: "So if you were going to randomly not use one of those drugs, which one would you eliminate?"

Students: "Why?"

Clinician: "You're traveling to a desert island.  You have 100 dogs with lymphoma, and you only have room for four drugs per dog.  Which one do you leave behind?"

Students:  "..."

(In case you were wondering, the answer is L-asparaginase)

pre-clinical evolution of a vet student:

OMG HOLY SHIT I AM IN VET SCHOOOOOOOOL!  Wow, look at us!  We are the University of Awesome CVM Class of 2013!  WOOOOO!!!!  Look, the ornate U of A seal is on that lectern!  Right there!  At the front of this lecture hall!  I’m sitting in a lecture hall!  In vet school!  WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Day 1:
Today is the first day of class in Vet School.  I must be an adult.  None of this undergraduate tomfoolery - I am a serious Vet Student now.  I will wear professional clothing.  I will take notes the Right Way.  I will write down everything the professor says.  Verbatim.  Including the pauses (with estimated pause length in parentheses). 

Day 1, later: 
Shit, where is anatomy lab?

Day 3:
I don’t have enough highlighters in enough colors.  Emergency Staples run!

Day 14:
My classmates must know more than I do.  They must study harder.  I knew it was a mistake to take that shower the other day.  I could have been studying. 

Day 37:
That fresh horse larynx smells really terrible.

Day 41:
Out of highlighters again.

Day 83:
Well, these cranial nerves and all their associated foramina can just go fuck themselves. 

Day 114:
“Sar-tor-i-us!  (do do do do) Sar-tor-i-us! (do do do do)”

Week before the final:
(flapping around in a cloud of flashcards, carefully highlighted handouts, and dirty mnemonics)

Day 1:
I wonder if I passed anatomy.

Day 33:
If I can master the intricate details of this impossibly complex cellular signaling pathway, it will undoubtedly make me a better veterinarian one day.

Day 14:
Hey Dr. Professor, you remember how the first day of Neuro you told us this material would be easy, and that it’s all just a bunch of hype about this class being insanely hard?  This word “easy” – I do not think it means what you think it means.

Week before the final:
Classmate sends out a video allegedly explaining the rubrospinal tract - Rick Rolls the entire listserv.  Excellent.

Day 1:
Oh, this won’t be so bad.  The professor is making an analogy about grass clippings and urine.  He must have a sense of humor.

Day 15:
Oh that’s what a spleen does.

Day 39:
Why are kidneys so weird?  And who is Henle?

Bacteriology, Virology, Immunology
Day 7:
“Respiratory tract bacterial pathogens of horses.  Actinobacillus equuli, Streptococcus equi ssp. equi, Streptococcus equi ssp. zooepidemicus, Rhodococcus equi, Mycoplasma felis…

Day 34:
“Hey, so if rinderpest has just been eradicated, do we have to know it for the final?”

Day 15:
I want to eat nothing but autoclaved sand.

last day of the general practice clinic rotation:

Chief work study student: "Have we assigned and taken care of all the e-mails from the clinic e-mail account?"

Student on the rotation: "None of us know the password to the account."

CWSS, panicked: "So no one's checked it the whole rotation?!?"

Students on the rotation, in chorus: "Nope!"

clinician, writing up case reports (indoors):

"Do I smell rain?  Is it my imagination?"

can I send this in to yo, is this racist?

Friday morning rounds, 7:30 am.

First slide up says:

"Becoming Dr. DRE: Mastering the Digital Rectal Exam"
with a picture of Dr. Dre, the musician.

Oh yes.

Chief of service strolls around the corner, takes a look at the slide.  He ponders briefly.
Says, "Oh, I thought that was Dr. (the only black male resident in the hospital's) picture for a minute."


student, typing a case report:

"Where is the urinalysis MOTHER OF GOD oh, here it is."

clinician, morning rounds:

"What types of neoplasia can be prevented by ovarihysterectomy?"


TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP of the whiteboard marker on the board.

someone says: "Mammary neoplasia."

"What else?"



someone else says: "Granulosa cell tumor."

"What else?"



someone else says: "Because that is supposed to help us THINK?!?"

radiologist to students:

"It's a Standardbred, so it does one of two things.  It races, or it belongs to the Amish."

radiologist to students:

"Cows are cool 'cause they heal."

radiologist, during rounds:

(the radiograph being shown is of a dog who supposedly ate a bone)

"I would say the bone has been digested.  Happy days.  You own a carnivore."

radiologist to students:

"I assume you all have worked with machine guns here."

radiologist to resident:

"Can you feel my laser pointer burning into the back of your head?"

resident to room at large:

(indicates the above Nat'l Geographic photo)

"This is my metaphor for rounds.  We are, of course, the fish."

resident to students:

"So then, if you instill a sword into the thorax..."

resident to room at large:

"They want me to put the probe on cellulitis and say it's cellulitis?  A monkey could do that."

radiologist to resident:

"OMG you tell the same story multiple times every morning!"

about the theriogenologist:

"He has the magic penis fingers."